this page is intentionally very hard to read and i am intentionally very cryptic. please do not perceive me.


gen 3: 11.14.23-???

(january 2024)
i'm still standing around this amusement park. i decided it was worth throwing a tantrum about. but like..who am i gonna yell at? the rollercoaster?? the staff!?! there's no staff actually because this is a metaphor. this amusement park is a fucking ghost town. who's in charge around here!? ME!?!?!? fucking hell. so i guess i kind of did just yell at myself. will i ever get to ride cool rides again??? all of them are either out of service or completely occupied. i feel like if i leave the park i'll never get back in. it feels like this is my last chance. if i don't find something to ride soon i'll go mad. okay this is getting a little uncryptic, maybe it's time for a switch in metaphor. idk i feel like i'm in too deep with this one now. empty amusement park, broken down rides. not even a good snack stand in sight, msotly because i've sworn off snacking for my health. i just have to believe that if i wander the park long enough there will be something good. but the park is so big and i am so tired. i think it's time for me to take a long rest on a bench and stare at the scenery some more.

i moan into the void hoping they hear me. There's a comfort in feeling the void surround me and assure me that there will be success. But what does the void know, huh? I dunno. What do I know!? Probably as much as the void. Patience is a virtue, supposedly, and so is uh...discernment. How am I supposed to know when to be patient and when to get out of line? If the ride is broken down, can I still get on someday? When do I give up on the rollercoaster because it's not worth it? I dunno. I'd wait a long time for a good roller coaster. Maybe I don't need to look at it that way. I'm not waiting in line. I'm enjoying an amusement park, full of delightful fascinations. I'm eyeballing this broken ride but it's broken, so I can't just get in line and stand there. But maybe I'll hang around the park for a while and see what happens. It might get fixed today. Maybe it'll get fixed the next time I come to the park. I dunno, who knows. Can we get a technician in here?!

i made this website three years ago. so much has changed. i live in the same city, but i'm a different being. at times i disturb myself, and at the same times i also delight myself. i am a strange cryptid living in a cold world. in gen 1, i was still a child, still with a person who hated who i really was. someone who, upon finding out the real me, was disappointed and annoyed even. i should have known after they told me those things about my body within the first year. i really should have known when they were cheating on me within two years. why did it take me so long? i guess the child i was in generation 1 was naive. i consistently have so much love, grace, and affection to give and consistently find very strange places for it. i feel like my love is eggs and i am putting them in the dryer instead of the refridgerator. then, upon finding a refridgerator to perhaps place them in, i am hung up on the bathtub. why doesn't the bathtub want my eggs??? the fridge is so accepting and loving but i am terrified of them. it would mean that my eggs would be safe, and what's the fun in that? i guess i am still self sabotaging. i am rereading a book and realizing that the man i loved in the book is a total misanthrope. why am i so attracted to misanthropes?? curious. i am looking over generation 2, in which i was a raw maiden, yearning to be cared for and protected from the hoards of the world. 'am i still okay?' i ask. i am not sure that i was at that point, crying over litter boxes where i longed to put my eggs.

gen 2: 06.16.21-??Some Indeterminate Moment??

am i still okay? i got through it all. all of the things i had planned, all of the things that came unplanned. now there are many things i do not know. there are many truths that could be false and many falses that...could be true. Maybe. They certainly seem true sometimes. Something that I know is true is that I can handle this thing. I think. I am pretty sure I can handle it. I mean, as long as I keep breathing, I keep living, right? If I can just make it to the next breath, I'll be okay.
It's been pretty hard at times. I've been on oxygen a few times in my life and I've had to receive breathing treatments at other times. Sometimes I wanted to make myself not breathe. Sometimes all that keeps me alive is knowing that there's a vacation with a hot tub waiting, or a trip where I get to pretend to be a hyperfemme, binge watch Castlevania on various modes of transportation, and flirt with excruciatingly attractive men while I drink and watch Beavis and Butthead with my dad. Actually the future is pretty good. I never would've thought I could travel on my own or exist on my own. I mean, I'm never alone. Especially now that I have Gimli.
This shirt is really specific for some reason, but it's really good and someone i didn't think knew me at all got it for me: "All I want to do is drink coffee, build an empire, and sleep." Yeah, let's go build an empire, dude.

for many a month i have been raw and pained. my world has really been upturned, the truths are false. now, i get to embark on new journeys. there is excitement, certainly. but there is no map, i am on new ground. earthquakes are frequent, but i can grab onto...something. myself? who knows. we'll see what happens. all i know is keep breathing, keep asking for help, and keep being.

i'm piloting a lot right now, and telling you my internal monologue will be too taxing, too scary. i don't have to tell anyone my internal monologue, but i hope you treasure it when you hear it. Today, my internal monologue is this: breathe, ask for help, be.

gen 1: 06.28.20-2.14.20

hey i'm having an okay time.

things are weird and scary...i feel like i'm being assaulted by my own body. but what else is new.....

maybe i'll go visit the haunted electrical box tomorrow...that will restore me. --

"tribe", and "community" are something i am gaining slowly. i have a few people in my life who are family without blood relation, but i still feel disconnected and lonely. i think i feel so different from those around me that it feels like...perhaps i'm just an addition to the tribe, but not really a member of it. however, those who love me make it very clear. how is it that i'm supposed to accept that love when i feel so strongly that i do not belong?

(this comes from therapy yesterday): " deserve love no matter what"
Do I? Does anyone? What about those terrible people in the world? What if I am one of them?
" belong here." No, I don't. I belong somewhere else.
But where do I belong? There's nowhere else really. I feel as if maybe, had I been born in a different time or place, the suffering wouldn't exist. But that's not true. I would have suffering despite everything. All of us suffer, and life is ultimately suffering.


i think i'm doing okay. sometimes i look back on the bullshit i get excited about and wonder like? at least i've found the slightest bit of motivation to clean and walk around today. it's felt like i'm stuck in one place for the past week or so. i feel like i'm wading through tar.

~jinx, you were so jinxed...~


it takes so little to send me into a frenzy of sadness. why do i do this. why must these feelings bubble over like they do. thanks a lot for considering me.


living my best life, i think. i mean it's my only life so it must be my best life. i went and got candy for a man and i made him a valentine's card out of my heart and its stickiness. i want to eat an entire cake and then drown myself, but that's besides the point. at least i have love. at least my cat is soft and has a very large tail. and i'm coding again! so here we go.

i hope i don't spill too much milk on the floor, i hope i don't give it away. (~this is where i jinxed myself with the milk!~) i hope my coding skills progress. i wonder if others see how much of a wasteland i am. i hope not, but part of me hopes so.

i want to do more, i always want to do more. i wish more was done by now, actually. i don't actually want to do more, but i want more to be finished. i wish i could have a little army of helpers at my hand and foot, getting done what needs to get done.

beautiful and wonderful things are in this world and i must be one of them...perhaps. maybe i am the unique one. it looks like it's going to rain, so i hope it does. have a good and starry night my loves.