am i still okay? i got through it all. all of the things i had planned, all of the things that came unplanned. now there are many things i do not know. there are many truths that could be false and many falses that...could be true. Maybe. They certainly seem true sometimes. Something that I know is true is that I can handle this thing. I think. I am pretty sure I can handle it. I mean, as long as I keep breathing, I keep living, right? If I can just make it to the next breath, I'll be okay.
It's been pretty hard at times. I've been on oxygen a few times in my life and I've had to receive breathing treatments at other times. Sometimes I wanted to make myself not breathe. Sometimes all that keeps me alive is knowing that there's a vacation with a hot tub waiting, or a trip where I get to pretend to be a hyperfemme, binge watch Castlevania on various modes of transportation, and flirt with excruciatingly attractive men while I drink and watch Beavis and Butthead with my dad. Actually the future is pretty good. I never would've thought I could travel on my own or exist on my own. I mean, I'm never alone. Especially now that I have Gimli.
This shirt is really specific for some reason, but it's really good and someone i didn't think knew me at all got it for me: "All I want to do is drink coffee, build an empire, and sleep." Yeah, let's go build an empire, dude.
for many a month i have been raw and pained. my world has really been upturned, the truths are false. now, i get to embark on new journeys. there is excitement, certainly. but there is no map, i am on new ground. earthquakes are frequent, but i can grab onto...something. myself? who knows. we'll see what happens. all i know is keep breathing, keep asking for help, and keep being.
i'm piloting a lot right now, and telling you my internal monologue will be too taxing, too scary. i don't have to tell anyone my internal monologue, but i hope you treasure it when you hear it. Today, my internal monologue is this: breathe, ask for help, be.
hey i'm having an okay time.
things are weird and scary...i feel like i'm being assaulted by my own body. but what else is new.....
maybe i'll go visit the haunted electrical box tomorrow...that will restore me. --
"tribe", and "community" are something i am gaining slowly. i have a few people in my life who are family without blood relation, but i still feel disconnected and lonely. i think i feel so different from those around me that it feels like...perhaps i'm just an addition to the tribe, but not really a member of it. however, those who love me make it very clear. how is it that i'm supposed to accept that love when i feel so strongly that i do not belong?
(this comes from therapy yesterday): "Palaena...you deserve love no matter what"
Do I? Does anyone? What about those terrible people in the world? What if I am one of them?
"Palaena...you belong here." No, I don't. I belong somewhere else.
But where do I belong? There's nowhere else really. I feel as if maybe, had I been born in a different time or place, the suffering wouldn't exist. But that's not true. I would have suffering despite everything. All of us suffer, and life is ultimately suffering.
i think i'm doing okay. sometimes i look back on the bullshit i get excited about and wonder like? at least i've found the slightest bit of motivation to clean and walk around today. it's felt like i'm stuck in one place for the past week or so. i feel like i'm wading through tar.
~jinx, you were so jinxed...~
it takes so little to send me into a frenzy of sadness. why do i do this. why must these feelings bubble over like they do. thanks a lot for considering me.
living my best life, i think. i mean it's my only life so it must be my best life. i went and got candy for a man and i made him a valentine's card out of my heart and its stickiness. i want to eat an entire cake and then drown myself, but that's besides the point. at least i have love. at least my cat is soft and has a very large tail. and i'm coding again! so here we go.
i hope i don't spill too much milk on the floor, i hope i don't give it away. (~this is where i jinxed myself with the milk!~) i hope my coding skills progress. i wonder if others see how much of a wasteland i am. i hope not, but part of me hopes so.
i want to do more, i always want to do more. i wish more was done by now, actually. i don't actually want to do more, but i want more to be finished. i wish i could have a little army of helpers at my hand and foot, getting done what needs to get done.
beautiful and wonderful things are in this world and i must be one of them...perhaps. maybe i am the unique one. it looks like it's going to rain, so i hope it does. have a good and starry night my loves.