hey i'm having an okay time.
things are weird and scary...i feel like i'm being assaulted by my own body. but what else is new.
i've been watching a lot of youtube, taking care of my snails and my cats. i've been trying to create and..........fa-doing okay. i can play blackbird on my guitar now. today i sat cross-legged on the ground in my drum circle group and just talked to my fellow mentally ill queers - this is therapy.
TT^TT that's me permanently.
i'm getting the urge to go walk around downtown. i love walking around downtown. but covid-19. i want to go sit by the sound and look at the cascades, but instead i have to sit in my house and look at my dying rhododendron bush. and gimli.
maybe i'll go visit the haunted electrical box tomorrow...that will restore me.
i've been doing okay this week! i walked 11,000 steps yesterday and if that doesn't scream "doing well" when you have chronic pain and a disability, i don't know what will! i had a lovely walk through downtown yesterday, a bit rushed as i was on a mission of catching the bus. but i got to walk by a historic neighborhood and i saw a few dogs, too.
"tribe", and "community" are something i am gaining slowly. i have a few people in my life who are family without blood relation, but i still feel disconnected and lonely. i think i feel so different from those around me that it feels like...perhaps i'm just an addition to the tribe, but not really a member of it. however, those who love me make it very clear. how is it that i'm supposed to accept that love when i feel so strongly that i do not belong?
(this comes from therapy yesterday): "Palaena...you deserve love no matter what"
Do I? Does anyone? What about those terrible people in the world? What if I am one of them?
"Palaena...you belong here." No, I don't. I belong somewhere else.
But where do I belong? There's nowhere else really. I feel as if maybe, had I been born in a different time or place, the suffering wouldn't exist. But that's not true. I would have suffering despite everything. All of us suffer, and life is ultimately suffering.
i think i'm doing okay. sometimes i look back on the bullshit i get excited about and wonder like? what's wrong with my brain? geez. i have a doctor's appointment next month, so maybe that will help some things. at least i've found the slightest bit of motivation to clean and walk around today. it's felt like i'm stuck in one place for the past week or so. i feel like i'm wading through tar.
i've also done a fair amount of work on this site which? is surprising. congratulations luna good work.
it takes so little to send me into a frenzy of sadness. why do i do this. why must these feelings bubble over like they do. thanks a lot for considering me.
living my best life, i think. i mean it's my only life so it must be my best life. i went and got candy for a man and i made him a valentine's card out of my heart and its stickiness. i want to eat an entire cake and then drown myself, but that's besides the point. at least i have love. at least my cat is soft and has a very large tail. and i'm coding again! so here we go.
i hope i don't spill too much milk on the floor, i hope i don't give it away. i hope my coding skills progress. i wonder if others see how much of a wasteland i am. i hope not, but part of me hopes so.
i want to do more, i always want to do more. i wish more was done by now, actually. i don't actually want to do more, but i want more to be finished. i wish i could have a little army of helpers at my hand and foot, getting done what needs to get done.
beautiful and wonderful things are in this world and i must be one of them...perhaps. maybe i am the unique one. it looks like it's going to rain, so i hope it does. have a good and starry night my loves.